Monday, July 7, 2008

It's all my fault a.k.a the faulter

It is so hard to start this post. I do not know how to begin. Sometimes I wonder what type of world are we living in and what has become of this world. Like the China Earthquake, or how everything in the world is going wrong.

My life...well was not on the smooth sail either. Shit and more shit happens which is pulling me down. My mother is not making my life easier. Seems like she is enjoying picking at me. My sister since married has moved out and is living with the husband and in-laws now. My sister kept telling me that I have to give in and take it easy. I wonder... how much could I take off these words of sarcasm and words that pierce through ones heart.

After my car accident my mum has been on my ass 24/7. She wants to control every fucking thing in my life. From the food that I eat, to how my hair is cut to how I dress myself. She always think that she is right and she is never wrong. She thinks she is the smartest and we are all the dumbest.

Nothing , nothing at all that I do or have done has ever satisfied her. Never has she given words of encouragement, all she wanted was more and more and all she could do is to compare me with other people like my cousins. Things that she has done wrong, she pleasantly put the blame on me. I tried hard to ignore, but my heart felt the pain. This year, I felt nothing but pain in my life and felt like I am getting weaker...How much more pain can I take in?

I really do not know what to do anymore. To add in more you all know I had this thing for fishing The reason I wanted to do fishing was because I wanted and tried to forget some unpleasant things that happened recently to me. Yesterday, I went fishing with my sister and brother in law. Thanks to my sister I had a new fishing reel. We caught a few fish and I decided to keep one of them. I ask the man to put in water to keep the fish alive. During the journey home, the fish struggled a lot. Little did I realised that its spikes on the fins has pierced through the plastic bag...water started to drip..and when we got home my sister realised that the water was leaking out of the bag. I got a rant and blame from my mother and sister. Mother says that its my fault because I brought the fish back, she kept saying the pond fish are not edible...because of some smart ass reasons which I do not want to mention here, this reason being many thanks to my father too. My sister kinda and sort off blame it on me because I was not aware that the bag was leaking...I was not aware because...1...the bag was leaking, 2... my legs were in pain so I did not feel anything...

My brother-in-law tried to make me feel better by saying, they understand because I am a very blur person....thank you very much... I do not know how to reply or should I take that as a compliment or an insult. I know whatever I say....or no matter how I argue... I will loose... and people will say I am rude because I argue. So, lesson learnt...if I am to go fishing with my sister and brother-in-law (which after the incident I don't really feel like going with them in case I create more trouble) I will let go of all the fish I have caught. It was something fun...but turn out to be a disaster and mood killer in the end.

There are so many things that I could list out but I don't see the point of doing so. All I could say is... It is all my fault... I am the troublemaker, I am the stupid and the useless one. Mum, you should have not gave birth to me...I would rather not live in this world anymore...that is how I feel now...I am living everyday in darkness and depression and I tried hard to fight it and you are not making my life any simpler and happier.

All I want to finish my studies and move out.... God...if you still love me me out a little and let me finish my studies... I don't want to live in this broken family does not has the family warmth in it... please....let me go.....


Samuel Goh said...

Wow... That was a heavy and emotional post. Hang in there Bro. Keep the faith ok? And if you need someone to talk to, you can always look for me... You should know that by now. :o)

Angel Valerie said...

dont feel bad, okay? cheer up a little because i do believe that God loves u. u're blessed with so many ppl who love n care for u for who u are, for example, me :) i know i sound lame but pray hard n dont lose faith, okie, dear?

if u ever, ever want me to cheer u up, i'll be happy to keep u company.

vivi said...

things always recycle from time to time..last time both u argued badly until i so pissed off...after that..mother day, u still have a nice day with ur mom..and now..same things happened again..haiz..

edwin..u know sometimes i really really want to go through the life by myself..without is more easier and simple..dotn u think so ?

still remembered what i said before?

we buy a condo...u stay beside me..we can go out lim kopi when one will make our life harder...

-ApRiL- said...

waahh..u just post 3 hours so many comment liaw oohh...!!!

im very very very understand how u felt!!!!
im in that situation for few years oledi!!!
same here...want to run away!!!!
move out!!!

flo che che said...

Q: What happens when a block of butter gets thrown into the air?
A: It becomes a 'BUTTER-FLY'...

P/s: Hehehe cheer up, bro!! =)))))))) Sending you lotsa and lotsa smiles and sunshine from Down Under!!!

simply Ed said...

sam: LOL yeah emo post.
I try to bro, will remember that.

Angel: Sweetie, thank you so much for everything. Yes... I know you love me and I love you too. I will try and not to loose faith =)

Ok I will remember tat.. thanks...hugs.

Vivi: It does seem that its has being going in a round. In all honesty vivi... it was not exactly a round... all this while the relationship was shaky.

of course I remember... we shall be good neighbours.... but when you have husband I cham lor.

april: LOL...not that many comments lar...

Sighs... its great to have someone who truly understand how we feel... April... i wonder why they can't see things from our view? are we that bad?

Flo che che: Che.... its that one of out cold jokes


But it does cheer me up a little... haha... thanks che... huggies and I miss you che...

Yong Chye Lin said...

Edwin, treat all this just as a test that God gave you. Continue to pull through it you will see the better life in the future. Be strong in Him ya...... =))